I like Bill Burr. He has a line about there being “an epidemic of gold-digging whores” which always gets a groan from the women in the audience. Bill strikes me as a bit of an anti-feminist, which wins props from me. I hate feminism. I think it’s a corrosive, entitled bonus ideology for a gender that’s already been given everything on a platter.

In the latter part of the Twentieth Century, Eddie Murphy came out with a series of comedy specials. He used to say he was moving around quickly and switching his sides to avoid being zoomed in by the gay populations. He also had a line about trying to fuck a girl and she goes, in a girly Eddie Murphy voice, “That’s not it.” A little anus play never hurt anyone.

Billy Crystal has a line about men suffering over women, and the women always laugh louder than the men. He wonders aloud, Why is that? I think women enjoy it when men suffer, while men feel commiseration upon hearing of another man’s grief, especially if it’s a universal-male kind of deal.

In more modern times, Patrice O’Neal talks about going for multiple chicks as being on a fishing boat. When the woman cries, “Why do you need a fishing boat,” O’Neal almost apologetically says, It’s because if I don’t have a boat, you won’t think I can get other fish, and then you won’t treat me right.

Sometimes stand-up comedians get wildly rich. The richest of them all is Jerry Seinfeld, worth $300 million from his syndication deal with the networks for his eponymous show, Seinfeld. During his last year on the show, they made him an offer in excess of one hundred million dollars if he would just stay on for another year. But he had all the money he would ever need for a lifetime, so he turned them down. Good for you, Jerry.

Bill Burr has a television show, but it’s a piddly animated series where he plays a dad. I think commerce rewards the more bland comedians. Seinfeld was able to tell jokes without being crude, which a lot of comedians, like Andrew Dice Clay, can’t do.

I remember one generic comedian having a line about girls and sex and asking for women to raise their hands if they agree, and there were hands going up and he quips, “There’s all the ho’s out there.” He, needless to say, never get a network prime-time offer.

Jim Carrey got recruited by Rodney Dangerfield to tell jokes at a young age. He applied for Saturday Night Live (where Mike Myers, Will Farrell, and other comedians got their start before jumping to the moviemaking ship) but was only accepted at In Living Color. Once he spent a while there, he learned the craft of video-recorded presentation, and was off to the movies. As an inspiration to himself, he wrote himself a check for $20 million and pocketed it to remind him that someday, the studios were really going to do this for him. And it came true. With movies ranging from Liar, Liar to Ace Ventura, Pet Detective to The Mask he hit all the right buttons, although a slump started with The Cable Guy — by then he was ready to move on to more serious fare, anyway. And, amazingly, Hollywood was willing to give him the chance.

Television and movies are where the money is. Bill Maher starred in a movie called DC Cab and was guest-spotted on The Tonight Show several times, but not until he made Politically Incorrect (and then Real Time) was he in the green rewards. The comedy clubs are the killing fields until you get picked up by some broadcast entity — it matters not which. Jay Leno was a stand-up before he got the Tonight Show hosting gig. He loved cars as much as he loved jokes, so he was willing to pen a mechanics’ article for a car mag, but his money came from television. The man collects cars the way women collect shoes. Again, all that TV moolah.

Comedy is hard. There is a long period of apprenticeship where you gradually learn to tell jokes that won’t sink as duds. I have much respect for those who can spin a punchline successfully. And it takes mighty big balls to go out in front of audience and bare your soul to them. A personal-life joke is a kind of exorcism of demons, thereby taking us all on a journey with the comedian. Even jokes that aren’t related to actual events have a soul-bearing quality to them.

Whether the comedy is dark or light, it has to strike a chord with the audience. Generally, audiences are similar everywhere, but some cities prove to be more amenable to your line of jokes than others. For Bill Maher, for example, Boston is a great city because it is a college town, and his brand of humor tends toward the intellectual. He also likes Las Vegas because there’s a rotation of new people in town every time he goes there. (This is also the same reason Celine Dion liked performing there. Why hop on a plane to a new city every night when you can comfortably stand pat and have them come to you.)

The comedy lifestyle is the ultimate risk, after being a writer. Writing is the biggest risk of all. The competition is more intense in literature than it is in comedy, so the pool of enemy fish is much, much broader. Everybody seems to have a book in them. There are companies dedicated to producing self-published books for you, offering their assistance. Comedy has no such assistance, of course. You either sink or swim on your own. And that’s the beauty of it.